What Could Have Been
by musicalreader
Summary: what happens when life gets to be too much? what happens after? what effects do you leave behind? Simon is about to find out... the hard way. and to top it off, he's taking you along for the ride. rated T for language/situations unkind to younger readers.


What Could Have Been…

Please read ALL the way to the very last word. That includes the epilogue.

You know what people always tell you about death? Well forget it, they don't know shit…

Simon was in a limbo of sorts, he had thought that it would be easier to end it all, as it turns out, things just got weirder and more difficult. He watched as his dad and brothers stumbled across his lifeless body. He watched as they read the note he had clutched as his last breath slipped away. Now he was hovering over his friends head as they heard the news. As he silently watched their faces, he wondered to himself if this was what hell was.

Was this really what happened to suicides after it all, they were made to watch the consequences of their actions? In any case, he only knew he had no control of where he was going, and he had to watch every crease in their face as they cried. Every tear caused by his actions. He could hear both ends of the phone conversation below oddly enough. Dave was barely able to control himself as he told Miss Miller what had happened. Her face as she heard the news was awful, and it only made her daughters curious.

Jeanette's face was especially hard to look at. He had always loved her, but she had always been distant, quieter around him. Even after hearing the news, she had a stony expression. She excused herself from the room as Britney and Eleanor hugged Miss Miller close. He inadvertently followed her out of the kitchen and out the front door. She walked down the street to his house. When she arrived, the paramedics were carting his body out as Dave, Alvin, and Theodore watched his shrouded form disappear into the bed of the ambulance. A policeman was taking a statement from Dave and he was trying to answer through the sobs. When Jeanette got closer, Dave pulled her close and hugged her until she tapped his shoulder for air. He finally let her go and said that there was something for her inside.

Simon followed her into the living room, glad to be following her away from his dad and brothers, though at the same time dreading what she would think of what he had left her. She sat on the sofa and looked on the middle of the coffee table, right where he had left her note. He had written two letters before he took the pain killers. The first had been for Dave and his brothers, it had foolishly said that none of it was their fault; that he was in a better place as they read it, and that he had simply caved to all the pressure of life. Stupid, he had written the letter to Jeanette so that someone would know the real reason. She picked up the envelope and opened it. when she pulled the paper out, she read aloud to herself out of habit.

"Dear Jeanette," it started simply enough, "I want you to know some things before you continue, the first is that I love you, I always have and it pains me to leave you the most."

She sniffled a little and continued, "The second thing is that you are also part of the reason I have done what I have. You were always unflappable, no matter what happened to any of us, you took it in stride, shyly perhaps, but you were the most stable of us all. I thank you for giving me the courage to do what I have thought about for awhile now."

"Way to go asshole." Simon commented to himself as he remembered the rest of the letter and realizing that he sounded like a selfish creep in retrospect.

Jeanette, whose face had been stony one moment, was now tear streaked as she kept reading.

"There were several reasons I did this, the biggest one is that I am totally useless to anyone. In the whole school, nobody remembers me. They forget who I am day to day, and the only reason people talk to me is that I will listen. I don't even care what they have to say really, I am just happy that someone will talk to me. And as soon as they're done dumping all their drama on me, they leave. Is it any wonder that I've grown so crazy lately?"

Simon read the last part of the letter aloud with Jeanette for something to do.

"Maybe doing this will give those fuckers something to remember me for huh? In any case, do me a favor if you think I'm worth the trouble even in death, if you see a person out there who is sitting alone, or even in a group, and he seems to just be there, go talk to him. Let him talk to you. Don't just use them and toss them aside like I was. I was a human confessional, not a person. And just so you know Jeanette, it was always a dream of mine that we would go out, but you seemed too distant to even approach about something like that. I don't know what you really felt about me, but I hope you didn't hate me… goodbye Jeanette."

Jeanette gripped the paper so hard that it started to tear in half. Tears streamed down her face and she started to pull a pillow close to bawl into it. Despite all he had been forced to witness that day, this was by far the most painful thing to him. He had never wanted to see her hurt, but he had caused this pain of hers and he knew it… suddenly, a light shone in the corner of the room and he started to draw closer to it.

"Come," it instructed, "You have lived your life, and you have seen your worth in this world by their sadness. Now it is time for you to follow me."

"Where are we going?" he asked, fearing the response more than anything.

"I am to escort you to where you belong." It replied cryptically in that calming, warm tone.

"And what if I want to stay?" he stalled, looking over his shoulder as he watched Jeanette leave the house, the letter folded up and stuffed in her back pocket.

"You cannot," it insisted "now you must follow me to where you belong." And without any further warning, Simon was sucked into the light and away from this world.

Jeanette had known mourning before. When her pets died, she would cry and mourn their loss, and eventually, after about a week, she would cheer up and live life again. But this was different. This was loss… the letter from Simon had only been a bittersweet note that confirmed her fears. He had planned to die, and he had actually loved her. She had trouble figuring out which was worse, that the boy she had loved felt the same and she had never gotten the courage to tell him, or that he had felt so alone that he felt death was the only escape. When she got home, she walked past the living room where her mom was blowing through a box of tissues like it was nothing, and headed to her room. When she shut the door, the numbness in her arms started to recede and she found that her feet felt like lead. Jeanette pulled out the letter and flopped onto her bed as she remembered what she had always imagined for their future.

They would have started out simply enough, both hesitantly confessing their feelings. They would date for a little while. Then they would start to date others in college, just for the experience. Finally, about a year after graduation, they would get back together and fall deeper in love than ever. Eventually, he would propose and she would accept. They would have a fall wedding, the sound of the crunching leaves under their feet as they ran out of the church and into the limo they would take to the hotel and begin their honeymoon. They would eventually have kids; three was what she had wanted. And they would grow up to be beautiful, smart, and kind people who would each get married to equally wonderful people and Jeanette and Simon would grow old as grandparents before both passing away in their sleep, peacefully in each other's arms.

As she thought about all she had wanted from life. Everything shared with Simon; she realized that he had been right about one thing, he was truly the guy everyone would go to talk to about their problems. And when he had done his part of listening, they would forget all about him, but she had always thought about him. She had been in the audience when he won his first science fair award. She had been his biggest fan when he and his brothers performed, and she had always loved him, though she had no idea how to express it. Her life was built on his, for better or worse, and there was no way that she could go through life without him.

She went down the hall to her sisters rooms and hugged them and told them that she loved them. They blinked back tears, not sure why she was suddenly saying so, but returning the sentiment nonetheless. Finally, Jeanette went to her mother and told her that she loved her more than anything in the world.

"Jeanette," Miss Miller started, hugging her daughter, "I know what happened was a tragedy, but know this, even if Simon didn't feel like he could go through life as it was, things always get better."

"Yeah mom, I know they do." Jeanette answered as she returned the hug and felt all the more guilty for what she was about to do. On her way up the steps, she went through the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the drawer.

When she was safely locked in her room, she sat down on the bed and stared into her reflection in the blade. She lay down on her bed, wanting to be comfortable ironically. And she braced herself. She brought the cold steel to the skin of her wrist and sliced in one quick motion, trying to ignore the pain and get as deep as she could. Interestingly enough, she felt cold, not exactly pain, just cold as she bled out and the lines defining her reality blurred and faded as her life slipped away to be with the one she loved. Her whole body went numb and her eyes suddenly snapped open as she drew her last breath, darkness enveloping her whole.

Suddenly, the darkness was replaced by a harsh, blinding light and she tried to shield herself from the brightness, but discovered that she couldn't move her arms. Yet from the heart of the light, a form appeared hazily, as she watched, she recognized the form as none other than Simon.

"Hey Jeanette," he said calmly, smiling at her, "I didn't want you to follow me, at least not this soon." He admitted.

"Simon, where are we?" she asked, suddenly able to talk.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure _where_ we are," he confessed, "but I know _what_ we are…"

Jeanette hesitated, but asked the question she feared, "Well, what are we then?"

"I should think it's obvious," he said, "We're dead. Here for eternity it seems. But you know what?"

"What?" she asked, curious as to why he seemed so happy…

"I'm here to show you where to go. And I think you'll like it." he answered, holding out his hand and smiling.

Jeanette looked down and saw that she had hands and even more surprisingly, that she could move them. She reached out and took his hand in hers and he escorted her into the light. Together forever…

_**Sorry for the dark theme, but I wrote this on a whim. Part of it was from personal experience in dealing with suicidal thoughts. And despite how it may seem, I do NOT think it's okay to end your own life. I have learned that Life is a beautiful thing. Even if we feel used and worthless, remember, you will hurt everyone you know and care about by ending it all. And yes, I wrote some of Simon's letter from my own experiences. I am also a very forgettable person who is used as a confessional and then tossed aside. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this tragic short story, and here's to Life. However it is for you **____** review if you want, tell me how this story resonated with you, put your own story out there if you want, but please spread it around so that others can see its message. Kudos to you if you read this far into the epilogue, and I wish you the best in all you do.**_

Happy Living,

Musicalreader


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